Tough Love

My number one priority for the past few weeks has been to make sure Anna Claire feels loved. Important. Valued.

For those who follow my blog regularly, you're already aware how proud we are of Anna Claire's kind and loving heart. She is the most compassionate and considerate child that I know, and possibly the most compassionate and considerate person. That is why it is breaking my heart to watch my child go through this terrible phase where she questions her value in our family and going to great and surprising lengths to vie for our attention.

We realized it could happen, but after the baby had been with us for a couple of weeks, all was going so well, I really thought we were out of the woods and dodging that bullet.

Week 3 seemed to be the turning point, where the green-eyed monster reared its ugly head. It started with potty accidents at school. Anna Claire has been potty-trained since she was two, and has not had an accident in over a year, but the past few weeks has had several.

She also started throwing tantrums, throwing down in the floor, screaming inconsolably for no apparent reason.

The hardest to take though has been her blatant disobedience. We will ask her to stop doing something and she will look us right in the eye and do it again. We will ask her to do something and she goes about her business as if we have said nothing. Who is this child?

Well, Larry and I have talked about this and talked about this. What should we do? We know WHY it's happening. What we don't want is for her to feel like she's being fazed out or any less important. That's what's so tricky. Because at the same time, what hasn't changed, is that we're parents who have very high expectations for our child's behavior. We don't want to lower the bar.

So far, our solution, though risky, has been to crack down. We have started taking privileges away, and also offering incentives. We didn't let her play in her soccer game Saturday because of unacceptable behavior. It was harder for us than it was for her. She made peace with the idea after several hours. But what it accomplished, was showing her we meant business.

Now we only have to threaten to take something away and she straightens up out of fear that we mean it.

Anna Claire has also spent more time in time-out the past few weeks than she has her entire childhood. I'm using it because it's necessary and effective - it gives her space and time away from the baby. Time-outs seem to happen most often when I'm nursing the baby. Baby sister is getting big time attention, and Anna Claire acts out, just to see what I'll do about it.

Anna Claire can be too rough or too affectionate with her baby sister. Madeline is so tiny, and I am in super-protective-Mommy-mode. Anna Claire will pull the baby's arms (too hard, in my opinion). She has thrown a paper wad at her head. I've caught her several times waking the baby from a deep sleep. She has waved chopsticks in the baby's face. She has laid on the couch by me and the baby, kicking like a bucking bronco, almost kicking her sister in the head.

Anna Claire was my little helper, present at all diaper changes, baths, and feeding sessions, but I have found it easier, better for and safer for all involved, if I can take care of these tasks myself. For now. The baby is too small, and I've learned the hard way that the baby is safer, and Anna Claire is a much happier child when I can take care of these tasks when she's not around as often as possible.

The past few days have been much better and happier for all involved. I started following Larry's advice: don't get angry, just take care of the behavior...it's just our job.

And I was getting angry. I was angry that our sweet little girl was turning into someone I didn't recognize and I was scared of it becoming permanent. I didn't want to lose that sweetness. But I realize now it's not lost. I saw it today. She just needs constant reassurance, hugs, kisses, and time with us. Validation that nothing has changed about our feelings for her. It's not going to be an easy road, but it is getting a little easier each day.